I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I have several leather bound books. And my apartment spells like rich mahogony. I’m friends with Merle Olsen. He comes over on occasion.
– Ron Burgunday, Anchorman
There have been a number of posts lately about eating disorders on facebook and the prominence of “sick photos” (the first post coming to mind is Laura Collins “The faces in facebook“). While I have yet to run into any of that on FB, it doesn’t really surprise me to hear all of this. Being the “sickest” has always been some kind of competition (well, for many girls — not for everyone), and things like NG tubes are mile markers that show you’ve accomplished something. You’re that good at being sick.
The NG tube reminds me of this quote from Anchorman, because there are a whole list of silly “measures” of sickness. Just to give you an idea…
- How many times you’ve been inpatient. How long each of those IP stays were.
- How long you’ve had your ED.
- Number of trips to the ER.
- Stats around your low point — your low weight, lowest calories, hours of exercise, blood pressure and heart rate, number of laxatives and/or diet pills, frequency and size of binge/purge episodes
- Even things about refeeding (needing over 4,000 calories to gain, for instance)
- Medical complications, arrhythmias, NG tubes, J tubes, passing out, seizures or heart attacks
- Any disparaging comments from professionals, like “you will never recover” and “you are the worst case of anorexia/bulimia I’ve seen.”
In the world of eating disorders, sure, these are status symbols. I think that they have a deeper importance, though… these are physical signs that you are not okay. That somehow you are justified for being not okay because you are sick. Whatever is wrong is important; not only because you’ve been sick for years but because you have serious medical complications. It’s easy for others to ignore emotional hurt, but less easy to ignore physical hurt.
I think that some of the wanting to “brag” about your low weight or hours of exercise is because it DID take a lot of effort to not eat all day or exercise for hours on end (okay, maybe not-eating was easier than eating, but you sure thought about it all day). In your world it seemed like you were accomplishing something….
I could probably come up with a dozen other reasons why those NG tubes seem special to anorexics/bulimics. It makes them feel special — like there is something unique about them. It’s something easy to obsess over and focus on, rather than other stuff going on in life. You know the quote about “trying to make your inside match your outside?” Well, an NG tube may certainly do that. Maybe it does give you the permission to get better because you definitely can NOT give yourself that permission, for whatever reason.
What is more surprising to me is that all of these photos are on facebook… a place where their school friends, family members, community members, etc. can all see them. I understand that when you are THAT deep into your disorder, you don’t care if the whole world knows — heck, you want the world to know. But… I would have definitely felt too vulnerable to make that public of a statement. Good thing!
Anyway, the irony of it all (well, maybe irony isn’t the right word) is that the only people who see these “status symbols” as actual measures of anything are those who are in treatment with you! Those who are equally as sick! In the real world, “I’ve been inpatient four times and had an NG tube once” sounds like a lot like “I have several leather bound books and my apartment smells like rich mahogany.”
Grey Thinking 