Not interested in your perception of “normal.”

This is nothing new, but everyone seems to be on some kind of diet.  Or, if they’re not “dieting,” then they are eating purely organic food, or only raw foods, or cutting out all white flour and sugar.  All of this leads me to ask myself — if this kind of eating is “healthy” or “okay” for the rest of the world, why isn’t it okay for me?

I think that the line between healthy and disordered is so fuzzy (grey territory, I’d say).  Eating organic is healthy.  Raw foods are healthy.  White flour and sugar are not the healthiest ingredients out there.  This is how everyone should be eating… right?  In ED treatment you’re taught that there are no “bad foods” — there’s that “everything in moderation” idea.  And while residential we definitely had cookies, sugar cereal, non-organic fruits and vegetables, non-whole-wheat pasta, etc.

Where’s the line between healthy and too healthy?  And if all these people can be so picky about food… obsessing over healthiness… what’s the big deal about my eating disorder?  If I ordered a salad sans croutons and dressing (which I would never do — I love croutons.), it would be eating disordered.  If my friend did the same, it would be healthy.  Why the double-standard?

My mom cooks primarily out of the Weight Watchers cookbook (note: no one in my family has ever done weight watchers nor has really needed to lose weight), because “it’s healthier.”  My fiance makes mac & cheese without any butter or milk because “it’s healthier.”  Both of these behaviors seem disordered to me (although my fiance does NOT have an ED.  At all.  My mother’s another story).

I spent so much time arguing with myself about this… and ultimately just had to give up and let the whole issue go.  I don’t know where the line is — because actually, the line moves, depending on the person, situation, and a hundred other variables.    And really, healthy/unhealthy labels aside, my vision of recovery includes sugar and white flour.  I’ll admit to owning the Mayo Clinic’s recipe book — but not Weight Watchers.  Even if Weight Watchers isn’t at all disordered and IS the healthier way of doing things — I don’t want it.  I plan on making mac & cheese correctly, eating carbs after 9pm, sometimes having more than one glass of wine, and eating the bread that they serve at restaurants… even if “normal” people without a history of an eating disorder insist it’s unhealthy!

One thing I love about eating disorder treatment is that the recovery ideal seems so livable (albeit slightly unbelievable and unattainable).  No diet food, no skipping meals, no overworking or over-stressing yourself, moderate exercise (aka: not 60+ minutes a day, every day), 8 hours of sleep, lots of support, time to take care of yourself, etc.  Maybe I could technically “recover” and still eat fat-free yogurt, get 5 hours of sleep a night, take on too much responsibility at work and never take a vacation — but do I really want to?  (No).

I don’t want to be so preoccupied with food, exercise, and weight forever.  If that’s the healthy, “normal” thing to do, then I’m aiming for a different normal — Renfrew-normal (or just ED recovery-normal, although that’s slightly more ambiguous).  It sounds like a much more enjoyable existence.

Not interested in your perception of "normal."

This is nothing new, but everyone seems to be on some kind of diet.  Or, if they’re not “dieting,” then they are eating purely organic food, or only raw foods, or cutting out all white flour and sugar.  All of this leads me to ask myself — if this kind of eating is “healthy” or “okay” for the rest of the world, why isn’t it okay for me?

I think that the line between healthy and disordered is so fuzzy (grey territory, I’d say).  Eating organic is healthy.  Raw foods are healthy.  White flour and sugar are not the healthiest ingredients out there.  This is how everyone should be eating… right?  In ED treatment you’re taught that there are no “bad foods” — there’s that “everything in moderation” idea.  And while residential we definitely had cookies, sugar cereal, non-organic fruits and vegetables, non-whole-wheat pasta, etc.

Where’s the line between healthy and too healthy?  And if all these people can be so picky about food… obsessing over healthiness… what’s the big deal about my eating disorder?  If I ordered a salad sans croutons and dressing (which I would never do — I love croutons.), it would be eating disordered.  If my friend did the same, it would be healthy.  Why the double-standard?

My mom cooks primarily out of the Weight Watchers cookbook (note: no one in my family has ever done weight watchers nor has really needed to lose weight), because “it’s healthier.”  My fiance makes mac & cheese without any butter or milk because “it’s healthier.”  Both of these behaviors seem disordered to me (although my fiance does NOT have an ED.  At all.  My mother’s another story).

I spent so much time arguing with myself about this… and ultimately just had to give up and let the whole issue go.  I don’t know where the line is — because actually, the line moves, depending on the person, situation, and a hundred other variables.    And really, healthy/unhealthy labels aside, my vision of recovery includes sugar and white flour.  I’ll admit to owning the Mayo Clinic’s recipe book — but not Weight Watchers.  Even if Weight Watchers isn’t at all disordered and IS the healthier way of doing things — I don’t want it.  I plan on making mac & cheese correctly, eating carbs after 9pm, sometimes having more than one glass of wine, and eating the bread that they serve at restaurants… even if “normal” people without a history of an eating disorder insist it’s unhealthy!

One thing I love about eating disorder treatment is that the recovery ideal seems so livable (albeit slightly unbelievable and unattainable).  No diet food, no skipping meals, no overworking or over-stressing yourself, moderate exercise (aka: not 60+ minutes a day, every day), 8 hours of sleep, lots of support, time to take care of yourself, etc.  Maybe I could technically “recover” and still eat fat-free yogurt, get 5 hours of sleep a night, take on too much responsibility at work and never take a vacation — but do I really want to?  (No).

I don’t want to be so preoccupied with food, exercise, and weight forever.  If that’s the healthy, “normal” thing to do, then I’m aiming for a different normal — Renfrew-normal (or just ED recovery-normal, although that’s slightly more ambiguous).  It sounds like a much more enjoyable existence.

Sounds like punishment

I ran across this on Junkfood Science this morning. Just what the world needs — another eating plan! This is like weight watchers for kids… eat this many exchanges, write down everything, and go to the groups. It’s not a diet… it’s a “change in lifestyle.”

It’s amazing what you can pass off with the label of “healthy.”

Renfrew’s definition of healthy:

• No food is “good” or “bad.” Everything from pizza to carrots to peanut butter and candy can be part of a healthy menu.
• Eat when you are hungry. Stop when you are full.
• Stay fit by exercising! You can take up a sport or join a class like dance or karate but you don’t have to. Playing with friends can be just as energizing and fun!
• All bodies are different. People of all shapes and sizes can eat well and be healthy.
• Remember that fat does not equal bad and thin does not equal good.

BodyWorks‘ definition of healthy:

• Write things down as soon as possible. Write down everything you eat, even if it’s just one cookie. Be honest. Includes drinks.
• When eating out, the girls are advised to limit fried foods and order the garden salads with low-fat dressings and always pick the low-fat choices.
• Get the smallest serving or sandwich on the menu
• Avoid mayonnaise and use mustard or ketchup because they have less fat
• “try pizza without cheese.”
• Exercise for one hour on most days. “Vigorous active is best for getting and staying fit.” Vigorous was described as so intense you’re “sweating, breathing hard and can’t talk or sing.”

I think that Renfrew’s description is a very “feel good about yourself no matter what” approach and that BodyWorks’ list is probably posted on a pro-eating disorder site somewhere. I can’t help but think that “healthy eating” falls somewhere in the middle.