I’m kind of a big deal

I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I have several leather bound books. And my apartment spells like rich mahogony. I’m friends with Merle Olsen. He comes over on occasion.

– Ron Burgunday, Anchorman

There have been a number of posts lately about eating disorders on facebook and the prominence of “sick photos” (the first post coming to mind is Laura Collins “The faces in facebook“). While I have yet to run into any of that on FB, it doesn’t really surprise me to hear all of this. Being the “sickest” has always been some kind of competition (well, for many girls — not for everyone), and things like NG tubes are mile markers that show you’ve accomplished something. You’re that good at being sick.

The NG tube reminds me of this quote from Anchorman, because there are a whole list of silly “measures” of sickness. Just to give you an idea…

• How many times you’ve been inpatient. How long each of those IP stays were.
• How long you’ve had your ED.
• Number of trips to the ER.
• Stats around your low point — your low weight, lowest calories, hours of exercise, blood pressure and heart rate, number of laxatives and/or diet pills, frequency and size of binge/purge episodes
• Even things about refeeding (needing over 4,000 calories to gain, for instance)
• Medical complications, arrhythmias, NG tubes, J tubes, passing out, seizures or heart attacks
• Any disparaging comments from professionals, like “you will never recover” and “you are the worst case of anorexia/bulimia I’ve seen.”

In the world of eating disorders, sure, these are status symbols. I think that they have a deeper importance, though… these are physical signs that you are not okay. That somehow you are justified for being not okay because you are sick. Whatever is wrong is important; not only because you’ve been sick for years but because you have serious medical complications. It’s easy for others to ignore emotional hurt, but less easy to ignore physical hurt.

I think that some of the wanting to “brag” about your low weight or hours of exercise is because it DID take a lot of effort to not eat all day or exercise for hours on end (okay, maybe not-eating was easier than eating, but you sure thought about it all day). In your world it seemed like you were accomplishing something….

I could probably come up with a dozen other reasons why those NG tubes seem special to anorexics/bulimics. It makes them feel special — like there is something unique about them. It’s something easy to obsess over and focus on, rather than other stuff going on in life. You know the quote about “trying to make your inside match your outside?” Well, an NG tube may certainly do that. Maybe it does give you the permission to get better because you definitely can NOT give yourself that permission, for whatever reason.

What is more surprising to me is that all of these photos are on facebook… a place where their school friends, family members, community members, etc. can all see them. I understand that when you are THAT deep into your disorder, you don’t care if the whole world knows — heck, you want the world to know. But… I would have definitely felt too vulnerable to make that public of a statement. Good thing!

Anyway, the irony of it all (well, maybe irony isn’t the right word) is that the only people who see these “status symbols” as actual measures of anything are those who are in treatment with you! Those who are equally as sick! In the real world, “I’ve been inpatient four times and had an NG tube once” sounds like a lot like “I have several leather bound books and my apartment smells like rich mahogany.”

I'm kind of a big deal

I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I have several leather bound books. And my apartment spells like rich mahogony. I’m friends with Merle Olsen. He comes over on occasion.

– Ron Burgunday, Anchorman

There have been a number of posts lately about eating disorders on facebook and the prominence of “sick photos” (the first post coming to mind is Laura Collins “The faces in facebook“). While I have yet to run into any of that on FB, it doesn’t really surprise me to hear all of this. Being the “sickest” has always been some kind of competition (well, for many girls — not for everyone), and things like NG tubes are mile markers that show you’ve accomplished something. You’re that good at being sick.

The NG tube reminds me of this quote from Anchorman, because there are a whole list of silly “measures” of sickness. Just to give you an idea…

• How many times you’ve been inpatient. How long each of those IP stays were.
• How long you’ve had your ED.
• Number of trips to the ER.
• Stats around your low point — your low weight, lowest calories, hours of exercise, blood pressure and heart rate, number of laxatives and/or diet pills, frequency and size of binge/purge episodes
• Even things about refeeding (needing over 4,000 calories to gain, for instance)
• Medical complications, arrhythmias, NG tubes, J tubes, passing out, seizures or heart attacks
• Any disparaging comments from professionals, like “you will never recover” and “you are the worst case of anorexia/bulimia I’ve seen.”

In the world of eating disorders, sure, these are status symbols. I think that they have a deeper importance, though… these are physical signs that you are not okay. That somehow you are justified for being not okay because you are sick. Whatever is wrong is important; not only because you’ve been sick for years but because you have serious medical complications. It’s easy for others to ignore emotional hurt, but less easy to ignore physical hurt.

I think that some of the wanting to “brag” about your low weight or hours of exercise is because it DID take a lot of effort to not eat all day or exercise for hours on end (okay, maybe not-eating was easier than eating, but you sure thought about it all day). In your world it seemed like you were accomplishing something….

I could probably come up with a dozen other reasons why those NG tubes seem special to anorexics/bulimics. It makes them feel special — like there is something unique about them. It’s something easy to obsess over and focus on, rather than other stuff going on in life. You know the quote about “trying to make your inside match your outside?” Well, an NG tube may certainly do that. Maybe it does give you the permission to get better because you definitely can NOT give yourself that permission, for whatever reason.

What is more surprising to me is that all of these photos are on facebook… a place where their school friends, family members, community members, etc. can all see them. I understand that when you are THAT deep into your disorder, you don’t care if the whole world knows — heck, you want the world to know. But… I would have definitely felt too vulnerable to make that public of a statement. Good thing!

Anyway, the irony of it all (well, maybe irony isn’t the right word) is that the only people who see these “status symbols” as actual measures of anything are those who are in treatment with you! Those who are equally as sick! In the real world, “I’ve been inpatient four times and had an NG tube once” sounds like a lot like “I have several leather bound books and my apartment smells like rich mahogany.”

Social eating disorders

She who orders the smallest salad ‘wins’

I found Rachel’s post to be very interesting — and largely true to my experience. In face, we often decide on the restaurant based on what we’re getting. Sometimes we get salads, other time’s it’s pizza… sometimes it’s just a drink and dessert. But usually it’s almost the same thing. I don’t think that it’s that odd… but my intake is definitely influenced by my dining partner.

My big exception to this, though… is going out to eat with other eating disordered friends. No, this isn’t “let’s encourage each other to only eat lettuce.” Pretty much the opposite, actually. I would NOT order something that I considered to be disordered while out with a friend who has also struggled. It’s some kind of spoke ED etiquette — no matter how you are REALLY doing right now, you have to do “well” at that meal. It’s just not cool to be triggering. You suck it up for one meal and do what you know you’re supposed to do.

Also, going even further… I definitely overcompensate when out with non-ED friends who know my history, or out with family. Why? Because I don’t want to look anorexic. They’re already more aware of my eating patterns (and often still watching me), and I just don’t want anyone to think that I’m not okay. My parents have put up with enough throughout the many years of the ED… I’m a self-sufficient adult. I a) don’t want to worry them, and b) want to be treated like an adult. Not a high-schooler who is still struggling with the same issues. And with non-ED friends… I’m just trying to avoid the anorexic identity. I don’t want that role. Oh, and I avoid hanging out with chronic-dieters… girls who sit at dinner blotting their pizza with a napkin or spending the whole meal talking about calories. Those girls are NOT fun. Refusing to get ice cream, go out for a drink, etc. — that’s not fun! I want to fall into the “fun person” category… not the anorexic who doesn’t eat and won’t go out.

So yes, I overcompensate. Yes, I’ll have a drink. Sure, let’s order dessert — I’m game. I could use ice cream, why not.

Granted I may be screaming at myself the rest of the night, and trying to compensate with not eating much at other meals… but I just don’t want to be the girl picking at her salad in the corner. I’ve been there, and it’s lame. So, now regardless of whether or not I’m doing horribly, you’re not going to witness it at dinner.

Performance eating? Definitely. My old nutritionist was very against this… but I don’t know. I would strongly argue otherwise.

Tags: eating disorder, anorexia, anorexic identity, eating disordered friends, ED etiquette, performance eating