I’m so okay that I’m boring

Chase: You don’t let other people’s problems affect you. You don’t let your own problems affect you, and it’s the screw-ups that make us interesting. You’re never out of control, which is good… and boring. Never losing control means you’re never putting yourself out there, never pushing your limits.

— House MD, Lucky Thirteen

The problem with perfection (ha, that’s ironic): it’s boring. There’s nothing “special” about seeming perfect. And yet, I still strive for it. I want for everything to be “correct.”

I want to….

• always get good grades
• never appear to have any problems
• not struggle with anything
• never screw up
• never need help
• handle everything with grace, unflinchingly
• be completely independent
• never seem disappointed or hurt or angry
• always be positive
• seem to get along with everyone
• have only good relationships

etc, etc, etc. I don’t ever want anyone to think that something is wrong. I don’t want to seem vulnerable or not-okay. I just want everything to always seem okay (well, and to be okay, but I’ll settle for “seem”).

And this makes me boring. Chase hits the nail on the head with why: “Never losing control means you’re never putting yourself out there.” Relationships require for you to put yourself out there–to be vulnerable and relatable and imperfect. The friends that I am closest to are those who have seen me NOT okay. They know that I have issues with eating and depression… they know I don’t agree with my fiance 100% of the time… they know that things are weird between me and my parents. They know that I get overwhelmed with work and that there are coworkers who really get to me. They know there are a lot of things that I really suck at (like trying to learn a foreign language, most team sports, and cooking).

When I think about it, I am essentially putting so much time and energy into being boring. And maybe I could justify boring as feeling better (being in control, not being as affected by things, minimizing negative interactions and consequences), I think it just feels safer–not better. Because when you never let your guard down, you never let people in. If you never admit that you’re not okay, how can anyone ever help you feel better?

I'm so okay that I'm boring

Chase: You don’t let other people’s problems affect you. You don’t let your own problems affect you, and it’s the screw-ups that make us interesting. You’re never out of control, which is good… and boring. Never losing control means you’re never putting yourself out there, never pushing your limits.

— House MD, Lucky Thirteen

The problem with perfection (ha, that’s ironic): it’s boring. There’s nothing “special” about seeming perfect. And yet, I still strive for it. I want for everything to be “correct.”

I want to….

• always get good grades
• never appear to have any problems
• not struggle with anything
• never screw up
• never need help
• handle everything with grace, unflinchingly
• be completely independent
• never seem disappointed or hurt or angry
• always be positive
• seem to get along with everyone
• have only good relationships

etc, etc, etc. I don’t ever want anyone to think that something is wrong. I don’t want to seem vulnerable or not-okay. I just want everything to always seem okay (well, and to be okay, but I’ll settle for “seem”).

And this makes me boring. Chase hits the nail on the head with why: “Never losing control means you’re never putting yourself out there.” Relationships require for you to put yourself out there–to be vulnerable and relatable and imperfect. The friends that I am closest to are those who have seen me NOT okay. They know that I have issues with eating and depression… they know I don’t agree with my fiance 100% of the time… they know that things are weird between me and my parents. They know that I get overwhelmed with work and that there are coworkers who really get to me. They know there are a lot of things that I really suck at (like trying to learn a foreign language, most team sports, and cooking).

When I think about it, I am essentially putting so much time and energy into being boring. And maybe I could justify boring as feeling better (being in control, not being as affected by things, minimizing negative interactions and consequences), I think it just feels safer–not better. Because when you never let your guard down, you never let people in. If you never admit that you’re not okay, how can anyone ever help you feel better?

An Ode to Perfectionism and Procrastination

Perfectionism is a pretty common trait among individuals with eating disorders. That’s no secret. However, I think that people would be surprised to find what large procrastinators perfectionists often are. People think perfectionism = turning in assignments a week before the due date, keeping your house OCD-clean, and being perfectly dressed and put together every day. But actually, my place is messier and my work less productive during periods when I am being especially perfectionistic. Why is this?

“In a positive form, perfectionism can provide the driving energy which leads to great achievement. Setting high standards is not in itself a bad thing. However, perfectionism coupled with a punishing attitude towards one’s own efforts can cripple the imagination, kill the spirit, and so handicap performance that an individual may never fulfill the promise of early talent.”

— An Empirical Typology of Perfectionism in Academically Talented Children

I procrastinate because I KNOW that I can do something well. I can write a blog post that somehow integrates research, pop psych, psych theory, and personal experience… yeah, if I spend 5 hours doing it! But I hate doing less than my best — so it gets put off. I want my house to be spotless… I don’t want to do a half-ass job at cleaning up. I know that if I just devote x amount of hours to the project, it’ll be that level of clean that I want.

Now, apply this thinking to everything. I end up concentrating more and more on the minutia and ultimately accomplishing less and less. Maybe I’m afraid of making a mistake. Maybe I think that failure is a reflection of my personal worth. Mostly though, I just have high expectations for myself. I want to do everything well. I know that I CAN do things well. Man, if I could only get my act together and have the energy and motivation to do everything correctly all the time…

This blog post? The perfect example of perfectionism and procrastination.

What’s the toll of perfectionism?

“The striving for that nonexistent perfection that keeps people in turmoil and is associated with a significant number of psychological problems. Research has linked perfectionism to disorders such as depression, migraine, personality and psychosomatic disorders, type A coronary-prone behavior and suicide, as well as eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia nervosa.”

— An Empirical Typology of Perfectionism in Academically Talented Children)

I think that this perfectionism + procrastination cycle is frustrating for anyone who struggles with it… but that it is particularly dangerous for individuals with eating disorders. When you don’t meet your expectations repeatedly (because you’ve put things off and then don’t have the time or the energy to do them “perfectly”) you feel so much worse about yourself. You feel like you can’t get anything done and you proceed to beat yourself up. This kind of self-hate and negative thinking really fuels the disorder. I also find it’s hard when people tell me to “give myself a break,” because I already feel like I’m not accomplishing very much. I’m already procrastinating — what do you want me to do? Excuse myself from all responsibility?

Such is the irony of perfectionism. In your quest to do things perfectly, sometimes you don’t get them done at all.

Chronic Anorexia and Personality

From a study on perfection and anorexia:

Levels of perfectionism stayed the same while eating disorder symptoms and psychiatric symptoms decreased during recovery. Levels of perfectionism were inversely related to duration of remission so that individuals that had short illness duration had lower levels of perfectionism at both follow-ups. Patients with initial high levels of perfectionism may be at risk for a long illness duration which we recommend clinicians to acknowledge.

I am personally very interested in “chronic anorexia” — which is a controversial topic, since some believe that all eating disorders are life-long illnesses (like addictions — even when you haven’t had a drink in 30 years, you still haven’t recovered) and others believe that everyone can recover and that there is no difference between a “chronic anorexic” and any other anorexic.

I fall somewhere between the two camps — I think some people have chronic eating disorders and others do not. I believe that there is an inherent difference… possibly a genetic difference. Maybe compare it to depression — some people have Major Depressive Disorder, and others have one depressive episode in their life (which could be largely situational). Some people really do have a chemical imbalance that requires them to be on medicine for life, while others can take SSRIs for 6 months and be okay. At some point, depression is depression… but I really think you’re dealing with two different beasts.

The word “risk” really speaks to chronic anorexia. I feel that people with some degree of an ED history are forever at risk. Not everyone, but those with chronic EDs — yes, forever at risk. This article shows that there are underlying differences — in this case, a personality trait (perfectionism). It’s not just about the food, bad body image, or your even your familial relationships and childhood experiences… it’s this underlying risk. Because of who you are — your genetic predisposition, personality, and comorbidities — you are always at risk. Not that you can’t get better and live a normal life — but you have to be conscious.

Tags: Eating disorder, anorexia, chronic anorexia, bulimia, perfectionism, recovery, eating disorder recovery, mental illness